What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
