Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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