I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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