worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
