do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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