she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
