God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize