I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
