You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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