I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
