We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
