Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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