I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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