i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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