My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
