I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize