there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
