Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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