I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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