So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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