Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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