I wanna bring you to show and tell
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
