His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
