It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
