I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
