theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
