there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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