did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
