I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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