I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
