I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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