Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The struggles of a small town man whore
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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