I faked an abortion last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
