this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
