New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
