i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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