So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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