I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just pee around me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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