he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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