Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
