some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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