Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
His hands were made for my vagina.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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