Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I need help removing her.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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