Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
