I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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