i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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