we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
