Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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