They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
