Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
