god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
