Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
