My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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