i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
