remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
