My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Be still, my beating vagina.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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