if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There's always time for handjobs
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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