So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
