I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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