What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
